Royal Crown Draft Cola. Finally, Finally someone has decided to make GOOD cola! Mmmmm draft cola. Let's see, where did I hear about this? Oh yeah, a billboard in Long Beach. It said something like "The world's first and only Draft cola, we know, we checked" I'm such a sucker for marketing. So today, at my local Ralph's I pick up a six pack. Mmmmmm, premium soda. Just looking at the ingredients my mouth starts to water. "Pure filtered carbonated water"... I'm refreshed already. "Pure cane sugar"... yeah, not that crappy corn syrup all the other colas use these days. "Caramel Color"... what, not "Premium caramel color?" And three other ingredients you can probably guess.
There is even some cleverness on the bottle:
"New Royal Crown Draft. It's richer. It's smoother. It's more refreshing. And if we had more than this pathetic, postage stamp-sized space, we'd tell you all about it."
Yes, I am sure there is a long, proud tale about the history, development and production of RCD Cola.
So, after chilling in my 'fridge for several hours, and after working up a deep, deep thirst by doing some serious cleaning in my apartment, I decide it is time for the RCD Cola experience.
Well, I guess it tastes okay. Smoother? I guess. I'm not sure if "Smoothness" applies to colas very well. Richer?... wait a minute, a cola being "Richer"?
The sad conclusion is this: RCD Cola is just sugared carbonated water, like all the other colas. But even with it's fancy ingredients, it is missing something that will forever keep it from competing with the Big Boys of Soft Drinks: It does not link to a programmed neurological circuit in my brain.
See, when I drink Coke, or Pepsi, I am not just satisfying an desire for pure sweetness. I am also taking in 22 years of marketing. For my entire life I have seen images of people drinking Coke, people having fun. People drinking Pepsi, people having sex. People drinking Dr. Pepper, people becoming more attractive. People drinking Coke, people making more money. People drinking Pepsi, people becoming younger. People drinking Pepsi, people becoming free- spirited. People drinking Coke, people becoming proud, strong, red-blooded Americans. Hell, just drinking Pepsi is satisfying a deep, primal, phallic urge... just look at the design on the can!
When I drink RCD Cola, I am just drinking sugared water. I am not cool, I am not a sexual powerhouse, I am not loved by my peers. I am just ruining my teeth.